Fear - I did it anyway

 I've been scared quite a few times on this trip.  😱

First, making the decision to leave our perfectly comfortable life behind, albeit only for a few months but still, as I think I've said before, it felt like a big decision to make. I'm very close to my children, my Mum and step-mum and of course my friends and I was scared about leaving them all behind, will they be ok?  Will we be ok without them?  Will their lives move on without us?  

Second, living in a motorhome for three months in the wintertime with each other.  Could we do it without arguing, annoying each other?  Would we get cabin fever living in a confined space?  Would we be able to manage living in a foreign country for an extended time with very little French language? What about the cold climate?  Would we get bored - I do like to keep busy and at home have many hobbies and like to do something different most weeks with Chris, Zo, friends, Mum. 

Third, what if we don't like it!  

Fourth, skiing. The number of times I get scared a day - at least five to ten times.  I'm standing at the top of a run, I look down at the gradient of the piste and think,

 'Holy ***', how am I going to get down that?'

I hit a bit if ice on that steep gradient, slide uncontrollably and think, 

'I'm going to die' 

I'm skiing beautifully down the piste, feeling a bit smug and then I  hit a lump of snow or slush and my skis do their own thing, the edge of the piste is right there, I'm going to fall down and...

We come near the bottom of the piste with a long, flat, run ahead.  I face down the mountain, straighten my skis, adopt racing position and just go for it absolutely hell-for-leather.  All the time I'm thinking, 

'If I just hit a bump or lose control I'm going to have a very, very big fall and break every bone in my body.'

So, why have I done this trip?  During Covid I left a job and my teaching career working with vulnerable young people.  A career that I'd put my heart and soul into for over a decade, one I was very proud of and meant a lot to me.  For a while I was scared.  What of, I don't know - almost everything.  But, someone suggested I read this poem:

What I learnt from this poem is...

The past is the past and you cannot go back, nor stay stationary however much you'd like to. I felt the future was a scary place and I didn't know how to move forward into it.  I knew I had to move forward, take some steps and get on with it.  Some days, weeks just a few steps, then some back.  But facing the fear has brought new adventures and makes me feel alive, strong and given me back some of that fighting spirit friends and family know me for.

Leaving it all behind was scary but we've done it and nothing has 'disappeared forever'.  In fact so far it's been good, amazing skiing despite the bitter cold, we've seen beautiful scenery, learnt new stuff, met great people and our relationships with friends and family are still strong. We've even had friends from home visit us, done the old online quiz and met friends who we find out know other friends back home!

Standing at the top of that mountain facing the piste, I'm bricking myself, I find I'm grinding my jaw, I think, I am scared but I can't go back anywhere.  I've got to go down. I make myself do it, I tell myself,

'I AM GOING TO DO THIS'

I set off, remembering all the phrases said by ski instructors, 'body face the mountain','lean in','lean forward not back' and I grit my teeth and ski!  I get down that bitch of a piste and feel invincible at the bottom, I've conquered it. I made myself do something very scary and I’m ok, I survived. That's what keeps me facing these fears, it reminds me that I can.  

And for anyone who hasn't been skiing, I'll tell you why I do it with just words:

Skiing is:

amazing, exhilarating, awe-inspiring, breath-taking, exciting, crazy, knackering, frustrating, bonkers, serene, mind-blowing, scary, calming, peaceful, satisfying, challenging, annoying, fun, awesome, terrifying, eye-watering

This post is written by Melle 😜

* I dedicate this post to all the females who in my life who’ve loved me and supported me through this, heard me rant, cry, anyone who’s been screwed over at work, to Chris who’s coached me through ‘fear’ and to a special friend who’s facing an incredibly scary time KGT😘

** I recommend this book too…